Mama...Kallu Mama

Kalla. Babban. Dambar. Karu. Karuchatty. Karuvachi. Karuvaaya. All synonymous to our "brotha's from otha' motha's", the African Americans. Their style and persona have sparked many an inspiration in a Desi's lifestyle. With their pants on the ground, oversized kurta-like tall Ts, dog tags and basketball shoes they are a class apart when it comes to fashion. And who can forget the braided hair? Braids look so awesome on them that I'm willing to cash in all my paychecks to produce the "Braidy Bunch" (I know, I'm sorry, but I just can't help it!). Modified Devilles or Mercuries with shining, fulminant alloys and woofers no match to an earthquake in Sumatra, our kallas set the streets on fire. And whoever thought a heavy bass note and beats that any beat box could produce mixed in with a cacaphonous bunch of cuss-words could be music? If ever someone could pull it off, it has to be our mo-frats! You don't see a tamil song with a dhandanakka in a loop and a pallavi, anupallavi and charanam of "kundithevidia"s and "pundamavane"s topping the charts now do you? They haven't even left jewelery alone adding their own twist to accessorizing. Who would have ever thought of jewelery for the teeth? Soon, all Kalla weddings will have golden teeth exchanged instead of rings. Their language is such that they make a dyslexic kid feel proud of his condition. What is more thoughtful than empathy I ask. Their names are so awesome that I'm naming my kids Booker and Shinikua or forcefully bestowing them on my friends kids if I don't have any. Those kids sure would grow up as icons! Who wouldn't with names like Booker "Big G" Iyer or Shinikua "Pretty P" Pillai? And as an icing in the cake, every kid is born with six pack abs and a body to die for or a "well endowed", sculpted figure that would get Hrithik and Bipasha drooling.

So here it is. An ode to the Kallas! Who do what they do. Peace out!

Disclaimer - I don't have a house, or a laptop, or any money. My credit card is maxed out and I forgot the pin to my Debit Account. Just so you think of vandalizing my house with a couple of Air Guns after reading this.

Accenture - Desis with "Twangs"

Desis without Twangs are like an Indian restaurant in the US without a Lunch Buffet. Its bound to happen folks! Notice the already developing southerners' accent overlaying my otherwise immaculate Tam-Bram (in short Petterr) English? Ever noticed the recently opened Indian restaurant with the all you can eat $7.99 weekday lunch buffet dishing out sandpaper-like dosas, rock-like idlys (if we are lucky!), tasteless chicken curry and chai that tastes like overly sweet baby piss? Well such a place can be comparable (with great accuracy!) to the "Swaminadha Gopalan turned Yo I'm SammyG" types or also the "Prateek turned Patrick" types; basically a crop of Desis synonymous to an Avocado cultivation in the fields Ramanathapuram (obviously) gone terribly wrong! The girls are a class apart and end up sounding perfectly like the night time "Amaravathy turned Amy" Call Centre b#$%@s with an IQ of a tea coaster. There is also a "Let me just get a twang so this dumb Amru f#@k can understand what I'm saying" junta where some of the Desis develop rugged mid-western accents and score all the chicks (even the ABCDs!!) and the Amru's approval; on the other hand some of them just end up with a sorry excuse for a southern accent sounding eerily similar to a Vadivel-esque rendition of "Sing in the rain" (no points for guessing who!) The girls in this junta could have fare better had they not sounded like a brainless American teenager going "Basically like, I ddoooon whannna like, ddooo dddis, but uhmm, like, I dddooon rrreeely haav a ccchoiise ya knooww". (Fact - 99% of the Desis develop migranes just because of such inane conversations on the bus to school! So DON'T DO IT!) Although they give an earnest attempt, they are just like an Indian restaurant in the US with poor quality control. And there are the countless Desis who claim to not have one but secretly rehearse their pleasantries to the good looking Amru in the billing counter while in the Walmart queue. Whatever your fancy (or not!), conformity one day sure as hell will nip you in the butt!

As a final nail in the coffin, ever heard a Desis voicemail (atleast those who have set up one)? If not, do that NOW and read this blog again!